Traveler's Log - November 16, 2010 - Booze and Computers
I live about half way between two major airports. I usually fly out of one more frequently than the other because the flights and fairs are generally better. Recently, I took a business trip that required me to leave home around 11am on a Sunday. I was just about to the airport when I thought to myself, "I should double check my itinerary".
Normally, this is something someone would do the night before, or even perhaps just before walking out the door. I, however, chose to look just prior to arriving at the airport. Upon doing so, I realized I had driven to the wrong airport and now had 1 hour and 15 minutes to turn around, step on the gas and get to the other airport. It would be close, but if all went perfectly, I could just make it. Long story short, I got to the gate with about a minute to spare. The gate agent was just about to board me when his computer system crashed. He looked at me and explained that he was sorry, but he would have to put me on a later flight.
As if that wasn't bad enough, I would have made it with a few minutes to spare, BEFORE the system crashed, if not for one thing. I was stopped at security so that they could search my computer bag where they found a little bottle of vodka I had absent-mindedly put in there on my last flight when the flight attendant graciously gave me two bottles instead of one.
Booze and computers. They getcha every time.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Just Stop Whining
Solution Oriented Thinking
If there is one thing I cannot stand to hear, including from my own lips, it is whining.
“Why can’t I have that?” “What are those brainiacks thinking?” “If only they would get their stuff together.” On and on. It is all around us. At work. At home. On the TV. On the radio. Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine (and not a hunk of cheese in site). Heck! I am whining right now! Well, let’s stop all of this whining and get down to it. No more whining. The following is some advice to move from whining and complaining mode to solution mode.
Stop Whining, Start Doing
“If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it.”
Anthony J. D'Angelo quotes (Founder of The Collegiate EmPowerment Company and creator of The Inspiration Book Series)
The first thing one needs to do is just stop whining. But, certainly, not all complaints are unwarranted and do need to be brought to someone’s attention. But, if all you do is complain while offering no solutions, all you are really doing is whining.
Instead, bring a solution to the table. Figure it out for yourself and do it. Alternatively, if it is out of your control or jurisdiction, bring the complaint to the appropriate person and offer up a solution. At home, you have more leeway, but at work, never bring a complaint to your boss without offering your thoughts on a solution. It doesn’t even have to be a good suggestion, but if your boss is worth his or her salt, he or she will respect you for at least thinking about it. Your status moves from “complainer” to “solutions oriented,” and your stock goes up.
If you are on the receiving end, listening to a complaint, don’t allow the complainant to get away without suggesting a remedy.
Before you dazzle the compainant with your own brilliance, simply ask them, “How would YOU resolve this?” or “What would YOU have me do?”
Be sincere, but don’t promise to do whatever they suggest, and don’t immediately shoot down their ideas. The exercise is not necessarily about determining an immediate solution. It is about helping people move from a complaining mind set to a solutions oriented mind set.
Don’t Wait for The Perfect Time
“The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.”
Proverb
It is very easy to fall in to the trap of wishing something had been done in the past that would have made the present situation more tolerable or even would have avoided a situation altogether. But, until the time machine is invented, it is an exercise in futility. The past is the past. Learn from it. Don’t point fingers. Don’t judge. Be grateful you have made it this far in spite of the past.
And then plant the seeds for the future. You may not ultimately benefit from the seeds you sew today. But someone will.
Don’t put them in a position of saying, “If only someone would have….”
Understand Before You Criticize
“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.”
Dale Carnegie quotes (American lecturer, author, 1888-1955)
Sociopaths do things without regard for others. Thankfully, most human beings are not sociopaths. That means that most people are not out there purposely doing things to mess up your day. Most people are not out there doing things without care or regard for others (please do not comment on my driving skills at this time). Most people really want to or are trying to do the right thing.
But most of us have constraints, sometimes real, sometimes imagined. We do what we can within the confines that we believe have been defined for us. If the barriers were not there, we might do things differently. Sometimes, we are unaware of things that might alter our decision making if we just were better informed. Sometimes, we simply mess up. We don’t WANT to do the wrong and ignorant things.
It is important to remember this before complaining about something or someone. After all, it is possible that it is YOU who is mistaken.
Understand the Needs of Others
“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.”
Gloria Naylor (African-American novelist and educator, 1950)
When you see a friend or loved one making decisions and taking actions that you either think are a bad idea, or you don’t approve, sometimes, they need and even want your advice. But sometimes they don’t. It is very important to know the difference. If you are not sure, simply ask them if they would like your opinion.
If they say “No, I really don’t,” take that as your first clue to NOT offer it up regardless.
Just tell them, “If you change your mind, I am here. If you don’t, I am still here.”
You will then be in a no lose situation. The other person takes comfort knowing that you care about them no matter what. If it turns out you were wrong and the other person was right, you are happy for them. If it turns out you were right and the other person was wrong, you are there to help them pick up the pieces.
Be Aware of Yourself
“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.”
Unknown
“There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.”
W. Clement Stone (American best selling Author and Founder of Combined Insurance Co (now a part of Aon Corp.), 1902-2002)
You cannot change the behavior of others, you can only change your own. But you can influence the behavior of others. Whether that influence is positive or negative is up to you. It is very easy to influence someone. It can be very difficult to influence them positively.
Change your Perspective
“You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses”
Ziggy (Single panel comic strip created by Tom Wilson)
“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.”
Albert Einstein (German born American Physicist. Nobel Prize for Physics in 1921. 1879-1955)
In religion and philosopy, we often make reference to the necessity to see things through the eyes of a child. That does not mean to act like a child or in childish ways. In means we should not take things for granted and appreciate them for how amazing they are.
It is so easy to get caught up in the negative things. If it rains, we think about the bad hair day we are about to have, or about the mud that is going to splash our just washed cars. A child thinks about making mud pies or back yard slip and slides. It is all a matter of perspective.
Don’t Expect Things To Happen – Make Them Happen!
“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.”
William Arthur Ward (American dedicated scholar, author, editor, pastor and teacher)
In the movie Tommy Boy, Tommy, portrayed by the late Chris Farley, gets caught on the lake in his sail boat when the wind dies down to nothing. He just sits there, embarassed, waiting for something to happen. His father used to make fun of him. The kids on the shore make fun of him. He ends up late for dinner with his girlfriend because he is just stuck there.
Tommy is a nice, well meaning guy, but he isn not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. After getting stuck out there for the umpteenth time, you would think he would learn to perhaps at least bring a paddle. But instead, each time, he just expects things to happen. He expects the wind will eventually kick up and he will be on his way. And he is right. It will eventually come. But in the meantime, he is subject to ridicule, misses opportunities, and runs the risk of disappointing or even hurting others.
You cannot expect something to happen and sit back watching, waiting for it. You have to make it happen. If you aren’t out there trying to make it happen, you have no right to complain that it isn’t happening. If you are stuck on the lake with no wind and no paddle, you got exactly what you asked for.
Work With What You Have, Not What You Wish You Had
"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”
Tom Robbins (American Novelist. b.1936)
The 1980’s television series MacGyver has lived on for more nearly three decades not because it included particularly good writing nor particularly good acting, but because of the premise. Here was a guy who, no matter what his situation, made do with what he had in order to find his way out of danger. With little more than his Swiss Army Knife, duct tape and whatever else he found lying around, week after week he worked his way out of danger.
The now famous Chilean Miners trapped a half a mile underground for 69 days before they could be rescued are a perfect example of working with what you have. It was several days before anyone could even contact them, let alone send them basics for survival, but they still found a way to make do. Things were no doubt better once supplies started reaching them, but still. They were trapped far beneath the Earth’s surface, with no immediate way out and no guarantee they would EVER get out.
They didn’t have most of the things we take for granted every day. But they had the supplies that were able to reach them, and they had each other. They didn’t waste time worrying about the things they wished they had. They made the best of what they had and what they could get. They became a community in and of themselves. They assigned roles and responsibilities and each one dutifully fulfilled his role.
Not only did they come out alive, they came out exceedingly healthy given the circumstances. Both physically and mentally
If they can do what they did with what they had, I am willing to bet we can get by a day or two with that darned copier being down. I bet our hind ends won’t fall off if we don’t replace that old couch with our next pay check. And maybe, if we MacGyver it a little, we might find a nice comforter and some throw pillows that will make that old, ugly couch look and feel like a comfortable, old friend.
Open Yourself Up
"Sometimes you've got to let everything go - purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you'll find that when you're free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.”
Tina Turner (American Singer. b.1939, Nutbush, Tennessee, USA)
I like this quote better than the old saying “Can’t see the forest for the trees,” but in a way, it is saying the same thing. We sometimes let ourselves and our thoughts become so cluttered with negativity that we can completely miss what’s valuable and good.
One of the most famous supporting stories in business of this is the tale of the invention of the post-it note. In 1968, a chemist named Spencer Silver was trying to develop a new adhesive when he “failed” with one particular sample. Convinced it had applicability, even as a failed adhesive, he tried for years to convince others, all to no avail. Other scientists simply saw it as an adhesive that didn’t stick well.
Finally, Silver met Art Fry, who worked in new product development at 3M. Fry was intrigued by Silver’s “failure” and, after failed products of his own utilizing the failed adhesive, he discovered what we now call the Post-It. If either Silver or Fry would have permitted all of those negative reviews and failures get in the way, we may not have today what is one of the most basic of office supplies.
Take the Lead, Take Risks
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
Emo Philips, Comedian
“Always do what you are afraid to do.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson quotes (American Poet, Lecturer and Essayist, 1803-1882)
“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
Andre Gide (French writer, humanist and moralist, 1947 nobel prize for literature, 1869-1951)
“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.”
James Dean quotes (American motion picture actor, symbol of rebellion, 1931-1955)
‘Nuff said.
Know when to Move On
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Reinhold Niebuhr quotes (American theologian, 1892-1971)
“In the end, we are consultants. It is our job to recommend solutions. It is our responsibility to deliver what is asked of us. The two are not always the same.”
Jon Umstead – Philosopher in Training
Sometimes, resolution of a problem is “simply” acceptance for what it is. Some things you cannot change, you cannot influence, you can only learn to live with. When this is the case, it is time to move on and stop complaining about it.
Just Stop Whining
“You can’t always get what you want. But if you try, sometimes, you’ll find you get what you need.”
Mick Jagger (Singer/Song Writer with The Rolling Stones)
The most important thing to remember about whining is to not do it. The second most important thing is to not allow it. But it isn’t enough to just say “stop it.” The key is to discipline yourself to be a solutions oriented thinker as opposed to a complainer. Likewise, help others break out of the mode of complaining and in to a mode of solutions oriented thinking.
Hopefully, this has given you some ideas for doing both.
If there is one thing I cannot stand to hear, including from my own lips, it is whining.
“Why can’t I have that?” “What are those brainiacks thinking?” “If only they would get their stuff together.” On and on. It is all around us. At work. At home. On the TV. On the radio. Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine (and not a hunk of cheese in site). Heck! I am whining right now! Well, let’s stop all of this whining and get down to it. No more whining. The following is some advice to move from whining and complaining mode to solution mode.
Stop Whining, Start Doing
“If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it.”
Anthony J. D'Angelo quotes (Founder of The Collegiate EmPowerment Company and creator of The Inspiration Book Series)
The first thing one needs to do is just stop whining. But, certainly, not all complaints are unwarranted and do need to be brought to someone’s attention. But, if all you do is complain while offering no solutions, all you are really doing is whining.
Instead, bring a solution to the table. Figure it out for yourself and do it. Alternatively, if it is out of your control or jurisdiction, bring the complaint to the appropriate person and offer up a solution. At home, you have more leeway, but at work, never bring a complaint to your boss without offering your thoughts on a solution. It doesn’t even have to be a good suggestion, but if your boss is worth his or her salt, he or she will respect you for at least thinking about it. Your status moves from “complainer” to “solutions oriented,” and your stock goes up.
If you are on the receiving end, listening to a complaint, don’t allow the complainant to get away without suggesting a remedy.
Before you dazzle the compainant with your own brilliance, simply ask them, “How would YOU resolve this?” or “What would YOU have me do?”
Be sincere, but don’t promise to do whatever they suggest, and don’t immediately shoot down their ideas. The exercise is not necessarily about determining an immediate solution. It is about helping people move from a complaining mind set to a solutions oriented mind set.
Don’t Wait for The Perfect Time
“The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.”
Proverb
It is very easy to fall in to the trap of wishing something had been done in the past that would have made the present situation more tolerable or even would have avoided a situation altogether. But, until the time machine is invented, it is an exercise in futility. The past is the past. Learn from it. Don’t point fingers. Don’t judge. Be grateful you have made it this far in spite of the past.
And then plant the seeds for the future. You may not ultimately benefit from the seeds you sew today. But someone will.
Don’t put them in a position of saying, “If only someone would have….”
Understand Before You Criticize
“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.”
Dale Carnegie quotes (American lecturer, author, 1888-1955)
Sociopaths do things without regard for others. Thankfully, most human beings are not sociopaths. That means that most people are not out there purposely doing things to mess up your day. Most people are not out there doing things without care or regard for others (please do not comment on my driving skills at this time). Most people really want to or are trying to do the right thing.
But most of us have constraints, sometimes real, sometimes imagined. We do what we can within the confines that we believe have been defined for us. If the barriers were not there, we might do things differently. Sometimes, we are unaware of things that might alter our decision making if we just were better informed. Sometimes, we simply mess up. We don’t WANT to do the wrong and ignorant things.
It is important to remember this before complaining about something or someone. After all, it is possible that it is YOU who is mistaken.
Understand the Needs of Others
“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.”
Gloria Naylor (African-American novelist and educator, 1950)
When you see a friend or loved one making decisions and taking actions that you either think are a bad idea, or you don’t approve, sometimes, they need and even want your advice. But sometimes they don’t. It is very important to know the difference. If you are not sure, simply ask them if they would like your opinion.
If they say “No, I really don’t,” take that as your first clue to NOT offer it up regardless.
Just tell them, “If you change your mind, I am here. If you don’t, I am still here.”
You will then be in a no lose situation. The other person takes comfort knowing that you care about them no matter what. If it turns out you were wrong and the other person was right, you are happy for them. If it turns out you were right and the other person was wrong, you are there to help them pick up the pieces.
Be Aware of Yourself
“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.”
Unknown
“There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.”
W. Clement Stone (American best selling Author and Founder of Combined Insurance Co (now a part of Aon Corp.), 1902-2002)
You cannot change the behavior of others, you can only change your own. But you can influence the behavior of others. Whether that influence is positive or negative is up to you. It is very easy to influence someone. It can be very difficult to influence them positively.
Change your Perspective
“You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses”
Ziggy (Single panel comic strip created by Tom Wilson)
“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.”
Albert Einstein (German born American Physicist. Nobel Prize for Physics in 1921. 1879-1955)
In religion and philosopy, we often make reference to the necessity to see things through the eyes of a child. That does not mean to act like a child or in childish ways. In means we should not take things for granted and appreciate them for how amazing they are.
It is so easy to get caught up in the negative things. If it rains, we think about the bad hair day we are about to have, or about the mud that is going to splash our just washed cars. A child thinks about making mud pies or back yard slip and slides. It is all a matter of perspective.
Don’t Expect Things To Happen – Make Them Happen!
“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.”
William Arthur Ward (American dedicated scholar, author, editor, pastor and teacher)
In the movie Tommy Boy, Tommy, portrayed by the late Chris Farley, gets caught on the lake in his sail boat when the wind dies down to nothing. He just sits there, embarassed, waiting for something to happen. His father used to make fun of him. The kids on the shore make fun of him. He ends up late for dinner with his girlfriend because he is just stuck there.
Tommy is a nice, well meaning guy, but he isn not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. After getting stuck out there for the umpteenth time, you would think he would learn to perhaps at least bring a paddle. But instead, each time, he just expects things to happen. He expects the wind will eventually kick up and he will be on his way. And he is right. It will eventually come. But in the meantime, he is subject to ridicule, misses opportunities, and runs the risk of disappointing or even hurting others.
You cannot expect something to happen and sit back watching, waiting for it. You have to make it happen. If you aren’t out there trying to make it happen, you have no right to complain that it isn’t happening. If you are stuck on the lake with no wind and no paddle, you got exactly what you asked for.
Work With What You Have, Not What You Wish You Had
"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”
Tom Robbins (American Novelist. b.1936)
The 1980’s television series MacGyver has lived on for more nearly three decades not because it included particularly good writing nor particularly good acting, but because of the premise. Here was a guy who, no matter what his situation, made do with what he had in order to find his way out of danger. With little more than his Swiss Army Knife, duct tape and whatever else he found lying around, week after week he worked his way out of danger.
The now famous Chilean Miners trapped a half a mile underground for 69 days before they could be rescued are a perfect example of working with what you have. It was several days before anyone could even contact them, let alone send them basics for survival, but they still found a way to make do. Things were no doubt better once supplies started reaching them, but still. They were trapped far beneath the Earth’s surface, with no immediate way out and no guarantee they would EVER get out.
They didn’t have most of the things we take for granted every day. But they had the supplies that were able to reach them, and they had each other. They didn’t waste time worrying about the things they wished they had. They made the best of what they had and what they could get. They became a community in and of themselves. They assigned roles and responsibilities and each one dutifully fulfilled his role.
Not only did they come out alive, they came out exceedingly healthy given the circumstances. Both physically and mentally
If they can do what they did with what they had, I am willing to bet we can get by a day or two with that darned copier being down. I bet our hind ends won’t fall off if we don’t replace that old couch with our next pay check. And maybe, if we MacGyver it a little, we might find a nice comforter and some throw pillows that will make that old, ugly couch look and feel like a comfortable, old friend.
Open Yourself Up
"Sometimes you've got to let everything go - purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you'll find that when you're free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.”
Tina Turner (American Singer. b.1939, Nutbush, Tennessee, USA)
I like this quote better than the old saying “Can’t see the forest for the trees,” but in a way, it is saying the same thing. We sometimes let ourselves and our thoughts become so cluttered with negativity that we can completely miss what’s valuable and good.
One of the most famous supporting stories in business of this is the tale of the invention of the post-it note. In 1968, a chemist named Spencer Silver was trying to develop a new adhesive when he “failed” with one particular sample. Convinced it had applicability, even as a failed adhesive, he tried for years to convince others, all to no avail. Other scientists simply saw it as an adhesive that didn’t stick well.
Finally, Silver met Art Fry, who worked in new product development at 3M. Fry was intrigued by Silver’s “failure” and, after failed products of his own utilizing the failed adhesive, he discovered what we now call the Post-It. If either Silver or Fry would have permitted all of those negative reviews and failures get in the way, we may not have today what is one of the most basic of office supplies.
Take the Lead, Take Risks
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
Emo Philips, Comedian
“Always do what you are afraid to do.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson quotes (American Poet, Lecturer and Essayist, 1803-1882)
“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
Andre Gide (French writer, humanist and moralist, 1947 nobel prize for literature, 1869-1951)
“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.”
James Dean quotes (American motion picture actor, symbol of rebellion, 1931-1955)
‘Nuff said.
Know when to Move On
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Reinhold Niebuhr quotes (American theologian, 1892-1971)
“In the end, we are consultants. It is our job to recommend solutions. It is our responsibility to deliver what is asked of us. The two are not always the same.”
Jon Umstead – Philosopher in Training
Sometimes, resolution of a problem is “simply” acceptance for what it is. Some things you cannot change, you cannot influence, you can only learn to live with. When this is the case, it is time to move on and stop complaining about it.
Just Stop Whining
“You can’t always get what you want. But if you try, sometimes, you’ll find you get what you need.”
Mick Jagger (Singer/Song Writer with The Rolling Stones)
The most important thing to remember about whining is to not do it. The second most important thing is to not allow it. But it isn’t enough to just say “stop it.” The key is to discipline yourself to be a solutions oriented thinker as opposed to a complainer. Likewise, help others break out of the mode of complaining and in to a mode of solutions oriented thinking.
Hopefully, this has given you some ideas for doing both.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence, Simplistic Sameness and Relativity
In his textbook Essentials of Organizational Behavior by Stephen P. Robbins, he defines Emotional Intelligence (EI) as referring “to an assortment of noncognitive skills, capabilities and competencies that influence a person’s ability to succeed in coping with environmental demands and pressures.”
In very plain speak, I simply define it as knowing how not to be a jerk. Meanwhile, Robbins goes on to say that EI is composed of five dimensions, including:
• Self-awareness
• Self- management
• Self- motivation
• Empathy
• Social skills
Self-awareness is where it all begins. Self-awareness is not just knowing who you have been and who you have become. It is also knowing who you want to become, while understanding your abilities (see last months’ “The Secret to Success.”).
As Clint Eastwood says, “A man’s got to know his limitations.”
That’s not a defeatist’s point of view. That’s being realistic. For example, I like to tell people that I refuse to be constrained by the shackles of choreography. That means I can’t dance. But, if I applied myself, I could probably learn the electric slide. Aside from the fact that I have taken a lifetime vow to never learn or participate in the electric slide, I could probably learn it and keep up with the rest of the crowd at the next wedding reception if I so desired. But I could never be a world class ballerina. I know my limitations when it comes to dance, and they stop somewhere just north of the electric slide.
Self-awareness is critical and is often the first and last point of failure for people because they either think too highly of themselves, or not highly enough. It is a real tricky balance to know your limitations, and then maybe push yourself just a little bit beyond them. So using my dance example, sure, I could learn the electric slide, and while I could never be a world class ballerina, I could perhaps learn and do a relatively mean Tango. I’d be no Antonio Banderas in the movie Take the Lead, but I believe I could pull it off better than Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies.
Self-management and self-motivation require really no explanation. If you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t be of much help to others. Many people have physical conditions, chronic or temporary, that make it difficult or impossible to physically take care of themselves, and that is not what I am talking about here. What I mean here is twofold: taking care of yourself emotionally, and taking care to do the things necessary to push your abilities. I will come back to the emotional aspects later. Meanwhile, from the motivational point of view, Anotonio Banderas, as much as some of you may like it, is not going to just show up at the office and teach us how to Tango. We have to go out and stalk him. Of course by “stalk him”, I mean, we have to have the discipline to put down the sandwich and go out and take Tango lessons.
The next dimension of EI is empathy. Empathy, for me, is not just listening to and telling someone “I feel your pain. Let me tell you about a time something like that happened to me.” First, the person talking to you doesn’t want to hear your story. Not right now. Maybe later, after Tango lessons. Second, and most importantly, they need someone to not just hear them, but to really understand them. To be a truly empathetic listener, it is my opinion, that you really have to become somewhat of an actor. Not phony. But an actor. You don’t have to have had the same or a similar experience as the person you are communicating with, but it helps if you can imagine yourself as that person. How would you feel, or what would you do, not if you yourself were in their shoes, but if you were actually portraying that person. If you sort of become that person for a moment, you can have a much better appreciation for their needs or for what they are saying, doing, and asking. You become empathetic.
Finally, social skills rounds out the list of the five dimensions of EI. Social skills aren’t limited to not picking your nose in public, and having good social skills does not mean you are always the life of the party. It is knowing how to engage with others. Sometimes that means getting out of our comfort zones. We might prefer to be quiet in a social setting, but if we are empathetic to the needs of others, we might recognize that they want us to engage. They might want us to offer our own opinions and be part of the conversation.
They might just want us to step out of our cubicle or offices once in awhile, walk down the hall in an approachable manner, look them in the eyes and say “Hello. How are you today? It’s nice to see you.”
Conversely, we might prefer to be the one talking, but if we are empathetic to the needs of others, we might recognize that right now, they really have something to say or need to have the floor. Social skills include remembering to be polite, even when we are really upset. At work, it’s remembering to be professional, even under the most extreme circumstances.
I am a firm believer in simplistic sameness and relativity. As I was recently saying to a friend, I believe that there are only a handful of unique problems in the world. We plug different variables in to what is essentially the same equation and we get different results. The results for one person is no less deep, no less stressful, or no less joyous than it is for someone else. It’s all relative.
As an example, again in my opinion, one of the world’s biggest and most common problems is that most of us are trying to get through life by attempting to motivate others, over whom we have no real influence or control, to do what it is we want or need them to do. This is one of life’s very few unique “equations” or problems. Now let’s plug in some variables.
I want my children to go to college, learn a profession or trade, and generally exhibit good, ethical behavior. That’s what I want. But I can’t make that happen. Realistically, I can only provide a handful of variables such as setting an example (either a good or bad one), providing them with some lessons learned and letting them know that these are my hopes and expectations for them. But all kinds of variables are outside of my control. There is, of course, their own freewill and the influence of others. Sometimes they just end up at the wrong place at the wrong time. But the equation is the same. I want to motivate others, in this case my kids, over whom I have limited influence and control, to do what I want them to do, which is essentially to position themselves to be able to take care of themselves (and by “themselves” I, of course, mean “ME!!!”).
Someone else may not have children, but perhaps has a puppy that they just adore. Same equation, only this time the desired result is to not have to clean up piles of doggy doo doo in the house every day.
You might look at these two examples and say “Well, obviously, teaching your children to become good contributing citizens is much more important than teaching your dog not to mess up the carpet.”
But using my own theory of relativity, I’d argue it is not. Everything is relative to your own situation. There is nothing anywhere that says that what is important to me is in fact more important to me than what is important to you is in fact important to you. That’s a funny sentence, so I will repeat it in another way. You cannot assume that your issue is any more important to you than someone else’s issue is to him or her. And when you peel back the covers, you will find that in most cases, the variables are different, but the problem is the same. And when you understand that, you will also see that all things, and how we feel about them are relative. Jon’s theory of simplistic sameness and relativity. And good EI skills are critical to helping you implement that theory.
Finally, now back to the emotions referenced earlier. Having good EI requires you to be on your game all day long. It can completely wear you out physically, mentally and emotionally. I have a lot of friends and family who work physically hard for a living. They come home with muscles aching, dirty and worn out. It is easy for me to see and understand why, especially since I regularly watch “Dirty Jobs” on the Discovery Channel.
But it is not so easy for them to see how I can come home every day feeling the same way. I sit in an air conditioned office and basically make a living communicating. How hard can that be, right? You will not see Mike Rowe doing a “Dirty Jobs” episode on being an office worker any time soon.
But being emotionally intelligent and “on” all day long has many of the same physical and mental effects as, say, working construction. It just plain wears you out. It is therefore very important that you allow yourself some down time. That might mean having a hobby, physical activity, meditation, prayer or any number of things. “What it is” is not important. “That it is” is important.
So learn, practice and use good emotional intelligence in most of the things that you do. Try applying my little theory of simplistic sameness and relativity. But recharge every day by letting it all go and doing something that helps you shut it off for a bit, even if that something is the electric slide.
In his textbook Essentials of Organizational Behavior by Stephen P. Robbins, he defines Emotional Intelligence (EI) as referring “to an assortment of noncognitive skills, capabilities and competencies that influence a person’s ability to succeed in coping with environmental demands and pressures.”
In very plain speak, I simply define it as knowing how not to be a jerk. Meanwhile, Robbins goes on to say that EI is composed of five dimensions, including:
• Self-awareness
• Self- management
• Self- motivation
• Empathy
• Social skills
Self-awareness is where it all begins. Self-awareness is not just knowing who you have been and who you have become. It is also knowing who you want to become, while understanding your abilities (see last months’ “The Secret to Success.”).
As Clint Eastwood says, “A man’s got to know his limitations.”
That’s not a defeatist’s point of view. That’s being realistic. For example, I like to tell people that I refuse to be constrained by the shackles of choreography. That means I can’t dance. But, if I applied myself, I could probably learn the electric slide. Aside from the fact that I have taken a lifetime vow to never learn or participate in the electric slide, I could probably learn it and keep up with the rest of the crowd at the next wedding reception if I so desired. But I could never be a world class ballerina. I know my limitations when it comes to dance, and they stop somewhere just north of the electric slide.
Self-awareness is critical and is often the first and last point of failure for people because they either think too highly of themselves, or not highly enough. It is a real tricky balance to know your limitations, and then maybe push yourself just a little bit beyond them. So using my dance example, sure, I could learn the electric slide, and while I could never be a world class ballerina, I could perhaps learn and do a relatively mean Tango. I’d be no Antonio Banderas in the movie Take the Lead, but I believe I could pull it off better than Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies.
Self-management and self-motivation require really no explanation. If you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t be of much help to others. Many people have physical conditions, chronic or temporary, that make it difficult or impossible to physically take care of themselves, and that is not what I am talking about here. What I mean here is twofold: taking care of yourself emotionally, and taking care to do the things necessary to push your abilities. I will come back to the emotional aspects later. Meanwhile, from the motivational point of view, Anotonio Banderas, as much as some of you may like it, is not going to just show up at the office and teach us how to Tango. We have to go out and stalk him. Of course by “stalk him”, I mean, we have to have the discipline to put down the sandwich and go out and take Tango lessons.
The next dimension of EI is empathy. Empathy, for me, is not just listening to and telling someone “I feel your pain. Let me tell you about a time something like that happened to me.” First, the person talking to you doesn’t want to hear your story. Not right now. Maybe later, after Tango lessons. Second, and most importantly, they need someone to not just hear them, but to really understand them. To be a truly empathetic listener, it is my opinion, that you really have to become somewhat of an actor. Not phony. But an actor. You don’t have to have had the same or a similar experience as the person you are communicating with, but it helps if you can imagine yourself as that person. How would you feel, or what would you do, not if you yourself were in their shoes, but if you were actually portraying that person. If you sort of become that person for a moment, you can have a much better appreciation for their needs or for what they are saying, doing, and asking. You become empathetic.
Finally, social skills rounds out the list of the five dimensions of EI. Social skills aren’t limited to not picking your nose in public, and having good social skills does not mean you are always the life of the party. It is knowing how to engage with others. Sometimes that means getting out of our comfort zones. We might prefer to be quiet in a social setting, but if we are empathetic to the needs of others, we might recognize that they want us to engage. They might want us to offer our own opinions and be part of the conversation.
They might just want us to step out of our cubicle or offices once in awhile, walk down the hall in an approachable manner, look them in the eyes and say “Hello. How are you today? It’s nice to see you.”
Conversely, we might prefer to be the one talking, but if we are empathetic to the needs of others, we might recognize that right now, they really have something to say or need to have the floor. Social skills include remembering to be polite, even when we are really upset. At work, it’s remembering to be professional, even under the most extreme circumstances.
I am a firm believer in simplistic sameness and relativity. As I was recently saying to a friend, I believe that there are only a handful of unique problems in the world. We plug different variables in to what is essentially the same equation and we get different results. The results for one person is no less deep, no less stressful, or no less joyous than it is for someone else. It’s all relative.
As an example, again in my opinion, one of the world’s biggest and most common problems is that most of us are trying to get through life by attempting to motivate others, over whom we have no real influence or control, to do what it is we want or need them to do. This is one of life’s very few unique “equations” or problems. Now let’s plug in some variables.
I want my children to go to college, learn a profession or trade, and generally exhibit good, ethical behavior. That’s what I want. But I can’t make that happen. Realistically, I can only provide a handful of variables such as setting an example (either a good or bad one), providing them with some lessons learned and letting them know that these are my hopes and expectations for them. But all kinds of variables are outside of my control. There is, of course, their own freewill and the influence of others. Sometimes they just end up at the wrong place at the wrong time. But the equation is the same. I want to motivate others, in this case my kids, over whom I have limited influence and control, to do what I want them to do, which is essentially to position themselves to be able to take care of themselves (and by “themselves” I, of course, mean “ME!!!”).
Someone else may not have children, but perhaps has a puppy that they just adore. Same equation, only this time the desired result is to not have to clean up piles of doggy doo doo in the house every day.
You might look at these two examples and say “Well, obviously, teaching your children to become good contributing citizens is much more important than teaching your dog not to mess up the carpet.”
But using my own theory of relativity, I’d argue it is not. Everything is relative to your own situation. There is nothing anywhere that says that what is important to me is in fact more important to me than what is important to you is in fact important to you. That’s a funny sentence, so I will repeat it in another way. You cannot assume that your issue is any more important to you than someone else’s issue is to him or her. And when you peel back the covers, you will find that in most cases, the variables are different, but the problem is the same. And when you understand that, you will also see that all things, and how we feel about them are relative. Jon’s theory of simplistic sameness and relativity. And good EI skills are critical to helping you implement that theory.
Finally, now back to the emotions referenced earlier. Having good EI requires you to be on your game all day long. It can completely wear you out physically, mentally and emotionally. I have a lot of friends and family who work physically hard for a living. They come home with muscles aching, dirty and worn out. It is easy for me to see and understand why, especially since I regularly watch “Dirty Jobs” on the Discovery Channel.
But it is not so easy for them to see how I can come home every day feeling the same way. I sit in an air conditioned office and basically make a living communicating. How hard can that be, right? You will not see Mike Rowe doing a “Dirty Jobs” episode on being an office worker any time soon.
But being emotionally intelligent and “on” all day long has many of the same physical and mental effects as, say, working construction. It just plain wears you out. It is therefore very important that you allow yourself some down time. That might mean having a hobby, physical activity, meditation, prayer or any number of things. “What it is” is not important. “That it is” is important.
So learn, practice and use good emotional intelligence in most of the things that you do. Try applying my little theory of simplistic sameness and relativity. But recharge every day by letting it all go and doing something that helps you shut it off for a bit, even if that something is the electric slide.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
The Secret to Success
The “how to succeed” business is a multi-billion dollar industry. It’s not hard to find any number of gurus out there who will tell you how to succeed at whatever you endeavor, whether it be to become wealthy, lose 30 pounds, become a writer, a model, an actor, an artist. You name it. But is there really an answer to the question?
Before coming to that, it’s important to first answer this question for yourself, “How do I define success?”
What is important to you? Is success a high paying career? Is it to own your own business? Is it to be the perfect parent, spouse, or friend? Perhaps the definition of success is no more lofty than to learn to cook meals three times a week for your family. It is not so important how you define success. It is critical that you do.
My own life and career has been filled with twists, turns, bumps, grinds, victories, defeats, what I would call successes, near misses, and total flops. In general, I always had a vision of where I wanted to be in life, but I just kind of relied on my education, instincts, and dumb luck to get there. It was only a few years ago that I developed a plan, and it took the advice of a life coach to get me to do it. Ever since, I highly recommend to everyone that they find someone that can play the role of a coach to you, no matter how much of an expert you think you are in the area in which you want to succeed.
A classic coaching technique I learned from friend and coach Rich Tafel of RLT Strategies is to help you realize success is multi-staged. For each of the major categories on which you wish to focus, repeat these steps:
Before coming to that, it’s important to first answer this question for yourself, “How do I define success?”
What is important to you? Is success a high paying career? Is it to own your own business? Is it to be the perfect parent, spouse, or friend? Perhaps the definition of success is no more lofty than to learn to cook meals three times a week for your family. It is not so important how you define success. It is critical that you do.
My own life and career has been filled with twists, turns, bumps, grinds, victories, defeats, what I would call successes, near misses, and total flops. In general, I always had a vision of where I wanted to be in life, but I just kind of relied on my education, instincts, and dumb luck to get there. It was only a few years ago that I developed a plan, and it took the advice of a life coach to get me to do it. Ever since, I highly recommend to everyone that they find someone that can play the role of a coach to you, no matter how much of an expert you think you are in the area in which you want to succeed.
There are at least four major categories you may wish to consider when defining success and developing a plan to get there. You can concentrate on one, some, or all of them depending on what it is you want. The four are as follows, in no particular order:
- Current job
- Career
- Family (by any definition, including friends)
- Spirituality
A classic coaching technique I learned from friend and coach Rich Tafel of RLT Strategies is to help you realize success is multi-staged. For each of the major categories on which you wish to focus, repeat these steps:
- Envision the future. What is your definition of success?
- What is your mission or purpose?
- What are your objectives? Long-term (5 years and beyond), mid-term, and short-term (next 6 months).
- What are your “blind spots” (things that can hinder your success, perhaps things you do not yet recognize in yourself)?
- What are your strengths?
- What do you need to do to achieve your objectives?
Write all of this down. Don’t try to do it all in one sitting. Do each step one at a time and then review with your coach. With each progressing step, go back to the completed steps before. Do they still make sense? Are they on target? Refine and be good with it before going to the next step.
This is especially beneficial when considering your strengths and your objectives. Many coaching techniques will tell you to focus on your weaknesses and turn them in to strengths. But I subscribe to the school of thought that you play to your strengths. Be aware of your blind spots, but play to your strengths. Your strengths are what will carry you through.
As an example, it is perfectly fine to say, “You know, I am not really good at math and I want to be.”
Then do something about it. Make it a strength if that is what you want or what you need to succeed. But as you do so, play to your strengths. Maybe you are really great socially. In this example, don’t try to improve math skills on your own. Join a class and form a study group. With the study group, you are playing to your strength as a social extrovert.
Now comes the tough part. Follow through. Do the things you need to do to achieve your objectives. Measure your progress on a regular basis. Weekly checkpoints are preferred, but don’t do it any less frequently than monthly. As you do, you will find one of several things begin to come clear:
- You were right on target with everything defined in the 6 steps.
- What you thought was important to you suddenly seems less so (if you aren’t making time to meet your objectives, then it must not be as important to you as you thought).
- Your priorities are all wrong (or all right, or need some adjustments).
But the most important thing you will see is that you will achieve your objectives with amazing speed. It never ceases to astound me when I commit it to paper and repeatedly say it out loud, just how achievable something is.
As you go through this process, you will undoubtedly discover things about yourself and about the people that mean most to you. You will find yourself adjusting vision, mission, objectives, etc. accordingly. You may even find it is time to take a huge leap of faith. If so, it is wise to be scared, but it is ignorant to let that fear paralyze you to inaction. Rich discusses this in one of his online weekly strategy memos (see “Change or Die” at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOHL3-vFlJI).
During my first job out of college, I worked with a retired military paramedic who actually had to jump from a helicopter, locate and then hide with and care for a seriously injured fighter pilot in the jungles of Viet Nam for 3 days. Talk about a leap of faith.
His name was Larry and he always used to say, “If at first you don’t succeed, keep on sucking ‘til you do succeed.”
He used to say it a lot, so it really irritated me at the time. But 25 years later, I can appreciate what Larry was trying to say. During the times you fail or misstep, and you will, don’t beat yourself up over it and don’t point fingers. Simply learn from what went wrong and apply the lessons learned going forward. But don’t give up.
So what is the secret to success? There is no silver bullet. Success doesn’t happen to you. You create success. Anything you create can be considered art, so remember ART as an acronym standing for Articulate, Refine and Track.
If you articulate what success means to you and how you will achieve it, refine both your definition of success and your steps along the way, and track your progress, you will succeed in the vast majority of your endeavors, in much shorter timelines than you had ever imagined.
Best of luck in achieving whatever success means to you.
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